An Uncomfortable Scare.

My Father raised me to be paranoid. And so when I noticed some irregularities in my lady parts I decided to go get it checked out. After all, with all the vigorous sex I’ve been having since I arrived in England, I figured that it could have been a cause and effect thing. So off I went to the free clinic, only to get a bit of a fright.

Going over my symptoms with Doctor Jones was fine, and it was no surprise when she suggested a full examination. So on the table I lay, legs suspended mid-air, while my hoo-ha is spread wide open for the world to see. Now, it’s a part of every woman’s life to get in the stirrups and whenever I have had examinations before it’s always been, “all a-ok, nothing to worry about”.

It’s only when the doctor in questions frowns and states that she wants a second opinion that I started to really worry. 

Enter the second opinion, another doctor whose name escapes me. They look up me with their torch and magnifying lens and talk of polyps, damaged tissue and the like. Upon hearing the word “polyps” my overactive imagination starts envisages cervical cancer, and the tears started to form in my eyes (we all know that I’m a big fat sook!).

I was surprisingly upset by the whole encounter. Usually, I can deal with things like that surprisingly well, but exposure combined with known scary health words genuinely made me a bit upset (my lovely boyfriend came up trumps with a cup of tea and a cuddle, which did make the whole thing a bit better!).

Turns out though it’s NOT cervical cancer, praise the lord, but a fairly common condition (hurrah!) that looks rather like the beginnings of cervical cancer. But despite it’s commonality, today I received my referral to see the lady-parts specialist.

So in two weeks I have to go through the whole uncomfortable, nerve-racking procedure again. And this time they are throwing a biopsy in – just for good measure. 

Awesome.

Gastro

Yesterday I woke up at 12.30am with a funny sensation in my tummy. 4 hours later I thought I thought I was going to die.

Gastro is a terrible thing. It is a nasty bug that renders you lifeless, useless and is full of embarrassing moments (such as nearly passing out whilst sitting on the toilet halfway through a movement of the poops whilst vomiting onto the toilet floor).

After that episode Dad took me to the hospital, where I remained, lifeless on a drip for 8 long hours.

Since then I have felt weak in achy.  And been bed ridden.  I’m now well enough to know that I am bored and frustrated that my weekend has been ruined.

Crazy Health Nuts

For as long as I can remember, my eating habits have been the topic of much discussion in my workplaces. 

It all started when I worked at on Organic Foodstore when I was at University.  They tried and tried to convert me to organic this, supplement that, fruit fruit veg veg.  And after 7 years of working there I did not change.

When I worked in London my “London Mummies” as I like to call them (the lovely ladies who worked in my department) used to despair over my dietary choices.  However my dietary choices during these years of my life were mainly made on the basis of “what can I buy for 50p?”  In the end they bribed me with a star chart (I’m rather easily pleased) and I would get a star for every piece of fruit I ate. 

Now I work in a company where the directors are very eco-conscious, health conscious etc. I see my boss look at me in disgust when I proclaim that a Chico Roll is a tasty treat after a night out. 

But you know what – I KNOW perfectly well what is healthy and not healthy. I KNOW my diet is not perfect, but I am trying to do better.  I do not like fruit very much. I will at vegetables because I have to, not because I want to. My weekend diet of Vodka and chips suits me just fine. 

Yes it makes me a little bit fat, yes I’m sure that I’ve got mercury poisoning from eating tinned tuna (for CRYING OUT LOUD can’t we do ANYTHING anymore?). I don’t care!  I like delicious fatty tasty food. Preferably in pastry.  If I had my way I’d live on a diet of red meat and potatoes. 

So please stop pestering me. I am doing just fine!