Showing posts with label Sex. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Sex. Show all posts

Sunday, June 12, 2011

New Discovery

I frequently find myself with a bit of an internal dilemma when writing at Secret Life. This is supposedly the one place where I can speak my mind, be brutally honest, vent and share. However, with so many of my close friends, the man, and occasionally my Dad reading this, I have found myself holding back on sharing things that I want to.

But today as I was strolling through Westfield London, I decided to no longer care. So without further ado I would like to tell you about something that has been on my mind recently. 

Oral Sex is a funny sort of thing to want to do really. The blow job I completely understand, It’s entirely an external thing, and as long as it’s been washed recently not entirely unpleasant. In fact, it’s incredibly satisfying to seeing and feeling your man orgasm, and feeling them explode inside your mouth makes you feel close to them in a way that few things do.

But I’ve nearly really enjoyed it when they return the favour. That is until I made the recent discovery that in fact, it is awesome. Perhaps all the men beforehand just had no idea what they were doing. The Ex used to point blank refuse to do it, and I think subconsciously that put me off. But now, I adore it. Perhaps because my man is incredibly skilled with his tongue and his fingers, or perhaps because I am comfortable enough to not be paranoid that they’re not enjoying it – but for whatever reason, I can’t get enough.

Tuesday, April 5, 2011

Going Home


It is a truth universally acknowledged that there comes a time in every girls life when she must make a life changing follow-your-heart decision.

And recently, this time came for me. And for once, I decided to just do it.

Therefore, in a few short weeks I’m packing up my bags, getting on a plane and winging my way back to London, the city where my heart is.

I’m not sure what came over me, because first and foremost I am a remarkably sensible girl.  But the promise of a new life and new adventures was just too alluring for this 27 year old to resist.

So in one short month I’ll be changing my current location on Facebook to London England. And awaiting me is a UK Summer with promises of booze, new friends, old friends (the best kind) and a couple more earth-shattering orgasms.

I can’t wait.

Sunday, January 2, 2011

An Affair To Remember (part one)


It is a truth universally acknowledged that a single lady on holidays in another country, will inevitably have a fling.

There is something about the combination of cocktails, being away from home and a “Woo! Holidays!” attitude that means that any man of a certain age, who is reasonably attractive, automatically becomes an interesting prospect.

And so, on my second night of my London homecoming I took a fancy to my good friends housemate.  One thing led to another and before I knew it we were snogging on the dance floor. Which then turned into a weekend of some serious fun.  

What was surprising however, was that this casual flirtation turned into something more.

Regular readers will know about my rather unsuccessful love life, and that it is not often that I meet someone with whom I instantly feel comfortable. But with this boy (or rather, man) I did. He made me comfortable. He made me feel slightly weak at the knees every time he kissed me.

But I didn’t think much of it at first.  I was after all on holidays and it was my first weekend in the country. 

So we said our farewells, but as soon as I left and got on the train for my next destination I knew that I absolutely had to see him again. And that, dear readers, is when it got interesting. 

Tuesday, November 9, 2010

27 Today

Today with much trepidation I turned 27.. leaving the era of "mid-twenties" behind and officially entering my "late-twenties".

I feel that a lady of my age, should perhaps be a little less excited about my birthday.  But this morning at 6 am I was awake and knocking on my parents door (that's right.. 27, single and living with my parents) to see what presents awaited me.

The sad thing is as you get older, the less fuss is made, when really I think more fuss should be made. I mean, I have survived 27 years in this dangerous world. A ten year old has only made ten.  Surely I have more reason to celebrate than them?

An entitlement to celebrate myself and the year that has been I think is completely valid.

So today I celebrate that since I turned 26 I have:

  • Left my crappy supermarket job and got a real job
  • Erased my debt with UK credit card providers, Australian credit card providers and Bank of Daddy
  • Been on 4 dates
  • Kissed only 3 boys
  • Resolved to stop allowing unworthy gentleman access to my lady parts (and hence have gone through many packets of batteries)
  • Completed half of a diploma in journalism and feature writing
  • Almost decided on what I want to do with my life
  • Put on 7 kilos and lost 4 (3 to go! Woo!)
  • Attended 1 High School Reunion
  • Battled with a stubborn case of adult acne
  • Got my very first family dog.. in fact my very first family pet ever
  • Have welcomed 4 friends babies into the world
  • Seen 6 of my lovely friends deal with nasty break-ups
  • Have been on 3 awesome trips – Bundaberg, Sydney & Byron
  • Watched many, many hours of The Tudors, Gossip Girl, How I Met Your Mother, Big Bang Theory and Modern Family
  • Spent countless hours daydreaming about the men of The Tudors and Gossip Girl (Chuck Bass, if you're reading.. feel free to have your way with me)

So as I prepare for a lovely home-cooked birthday dinner with traditional birthday trifle I’m thinking, despite first appearances, I’ve actually done alright for myself this year.

Friday, September 24, 2010

A letter to the opposite sex...

Dear Men, 


I'd very much appreciate it if you stopped treating me like a whore.  I know my past behaviour may indicate that I enjoy this treatment, but that was when I was still on the re-bound and shagging the ex out of the system. 


Being flirty with me and then saying "hey my g/f is away you should come down" is NOT acceptable behaviour. In fact it makes me feel cheap and implicates me as the woman you are cheating on your girl with.  Especially when I did in fact fancy you and thought you were a nice boy.  Also, proceeding to tell me about her, for the record, is a wee bit inappropriate. 


Likewise, not calling me for 9 months, and then calling to say "hey I'm visiting shall i book us a room" does also not make me feel particularly ladylike or do much for my self esteem.  In fact it makes me feel like I should be charging by the hour. Which I would actually find less objectionable, because then it is at least strictly business. 


So in future, unless you are going to treat me like the lady I am, please fuck off. 


Yours etc... 




PS... Not sure what is going on with these fonts lately!

Monday, March 1, 2010

Domestic Bliss Comes with an Allen Key


I made a gigantic mistake yesterday.

On my drive home from the Gold Coast I popped into Ikea for what I was hoping some household retail therapy.

What a stressful experience!  The car park was full, you had to fight people for a wheelie trolley, people meander around aimlessly picking things up without really looking at them and it’s depressing that Ikea has a much nicer bedroom than yours.

Of course, it is really my own fault for going on a Sunday.  And I feel sorry for all the children and partners whose parents/spouses have dragged them along to domestic fantasy-land on their day off.

Ikea would have you believe that domestic bliss comes in a flat pack box accompanied with an Allen Key.  When in reality what you get is a man, roughly in his mid-late twenties/early thirties, carrying a yellow Ikea bag or pushing a trolley, saying “Yep that looks good”, “Really babe, whatever you want”.  When really he is grumbling to himself and thinking about how he would rather be at the pub. 

The whole place put me in a bad mood because I either could not afford, or didn’t have the space for what I wanted.  I did however leave with a pretty cool lap-top rest thing (which am typing on right now) and some flexible ice-cube trays.

And one day in the future, when I am a grown up, I shall take my unwitting boyfriend to Ikea and make him look at cushions, wardrobes and bedside tables.  But I’ll be sure to give him sexual favours afterwards.

Wednesday, February 10, 2010

My Valentine…

 

Valentine’s Day is fast approaching and I am being assaulted from every which way with red and pink hearts.. e-marketing for last minute valentines gifts and flowers galore.

Which is why its such a shame that once again I won’t be receiving any Valentines. 

In general I am very anti-valentines day.  It’s highly commercial and pointless holiday, just like Mothers & Fathers Day.  Its roots are in ye olde traditions, but more of that to come later.

It would be nice if come Sunday, someone miraculously wanted to be my valentine. Ideally he would be…

  • A nice boy – not an asshole
  • Monogamous – no cheaters need apply
  • Be nice to me – for example he wouldn’t not be in touch after a date
  • He would like me and ideally want to spend time with me
  • It would be a bonus is he was attractive and had an accent
  • It would also be a bonus if he was talented in the bedroom
  • But mainly he would be nice to me

Saturday, January 30, 2010

Beyond My Control


It is a truth universally acknowledged that as soon as you make the executive decision to cut something or someone from your life, it or they will immediately pop back into it.

Not that this is always a bad thing, but it leads to lots of confusion in my head.   This happened over the past week.  Just as I made the decision to stop whoring around and be off men for awhile, I make a date to go and see a guy I was really rather into. 

I thought to myself, it’ll be fine, it’ll be good to see him, because I do enjoy their company.  And it was good, too good. Now I have stupid feelings again.  I really would rather not have feelings for people, especially not until I am 100% sure that they reciprocate.  But this really is something beyond anyone’s control.  You can never help how you feel about something.  Whether its a boy, a food or a song.

But as I drove home I thought to myself, quit making such a big deal out of things.  It has been a habit of mine for years to over analyse situations, and think too much about things. Therefore, from now on, I am just going to take things as they come. Not make grand sweeping statements about how I am not going to do things, but just see what comes up on the way. 

Good plan. And an good weekend. Now where’s my wine?

Monday, January 25, 2010

Fish in the Sea? Where is this Sea?


I’ve been thinking a lot the past few days about my no shenanigans.  I’m quite pleased with this decision.

The problem is it means no action until I meet someone I like.  The secondary problem is it is impossible to meet anyone. Especially here on the Sunshine Coast.

I’d like to pose a question to you all dear readers.  How do you meet someone?  Friends of friends? Well that’s out – I’ve exhausted all those possibilities. Through work? Nope that’s out, everyone in my workplace is either married or a woman. Online? Tried that and it was a massive fail. Out? Well everyone is about 12 at the Sunshine Coast clubs, and quite frankly I am after a man not a boy.

So I’m in a bit of a pickle.  Not that I am actively seeking a boyfriend, but it would nice to meet some new people.  I figure my best bet is to wait for a divorcee from one of these early marriages that everyone seems to do around here.  

In the meantime I have my banana pillow… and that aint bad.

Wednesday, January 20, 2010

A Night Out With Lily


Last night I went and saw Lily Allen live at the Brisbane Riverstage. 

I enjoy live music.  Actually, I enjoy any excuse for an evening out but an evening out with live music and a stage always puts me in a good mood.

I’m quite a big Lily Allen fan.  Her latest album, “It’s Not Me, It’s You” is full of songs that when I first heard them spoke directly to my then broken and aching heart.  They made me feel a little bit better. I could sing “Fuck You” and “since you’ve been gone I’ve lost that chip off my shoulder” and felt like I was expressing my inner thoughts. So I enjoyed myself last night.

What I don't enjoy is pop stars (in fact celebrity’s in general) need to express their political views.  Whilst I love Lily’s music, her opinions on America, The Taliban and the War on Terror mean diddly-squat to me. 

Despite this I still had a very enjoyable evening, heightened by frequently casting my eyes toward (from a considerable distance anyway) the hot drummer. It seems to be an unspoken rule that drummers are attractive.

So my overall opinion is that Lily provides a good cheerful night out (although maybe not quite $93 worth of a night out).  I’ll sign off today with one of my favourite verses of a song ever, which I think all young women can relate too..

“So I lie here in the wet patch in the middle of the bed, I’m feeling pretty damn hard by I spent ages giving head”

So True…